Thoughts on Vanity Fair and CSI

Okay, we're back...a day late, but whatever. I sincerely doubt that anybody was up waiting for this and it screwed up their week. Heck, I forgot about it until about three minutes ago while I was searching desperately for something- anything- to do that would prevent me from studying nerves and hormones for my test tomorow morning. Yeah, moving on...

So I finished Vanity Fair on Sunday. In fact, I read most of it, because I was so stressed out after spending the better part of the day with my supposed peers (maybe this entry should be titled "Why Teenagers Suck") and I apparently relax by devouring eigh hundred page novels. Whatever. It worked, and I was in a much better mood when I finished. Well, that could have been because we also watch Pirates of the Caribbean, which always perks me up, but I'm sure the book had something to do with it. Anyhoo, I'd seen the movie (go and get it now-fantastic...), and so I had an image of what Rebecca was like, based upon Reese Witherspoon's character. I mean, I knew that she wasn't a typical heroine, but at least she was portrayed somewhat sympathetically. In the book, Becky's really a b*tch. I serious, she really is! I mean, she doesn't appear to have any regrets about making Amelia's life miserable, or cheating on her husband (other than that he refuses to support her anymore) or beating up her little boy. It really is a novel without a hero- Becky's like evil incarnate, Amelia is a simpering fool who is constantly in tears, and Rawdon is kind of thick. Okay, not kind of, really thick. (I'm reminded of The Wedding Date- "Now is not the time to start getting a clue!!!"). I really liked it though- good writing. And I loved Dobbin. He's such a nice, upstanding guy. If Amelia had just gotten with him in the beginning when he bought her the damn piano, her life would have been so much easier!!! Grrr. I hate it when fictional characters don't do what I want them too...

Moving on to our second subject, CSI: Miami was on last night. Old episode, the speed dating one, but it go me thinking about how much I adore the CSI franchise. I love them. As far as I'm concerned, Jerry Bruckheimer is a god (small 'g'- he's not that great ;-)). I mean, POTC and CSI? I'd give him my first born if he asked! But I was reading through some stuff on EW's CSI page and was struck by just how funny a lot of the episodes are. So I decided to come up with a few of my own. Apparently, there are several requirements to become a CSI.
1.) You must be incredibly attractive. Unless you're like the Frank guy on Miami. But even then, his counterpart is Flack on NY, so that kind of throws that theory out the window. Stick with drop dead gorgeous, and you'll get a job.
2.) You must be content to have absolutely no personal life, except during sweeps when they bring in a hot DA of the opposite sex and put you in awkward situations for a few episodes before they realize that viewers don't want to know what they do after they go home, they just want blood (and a boiled head, like last night!!!). And could we please stop having every single entertainment magazine ramble on weekly about how sex-starved Catherine is???? Frankly, I've seen several episodes with Catherine, and she doesn't look that desperate to me. Which brings us to our next point...
3.) You must be comfortable with maggots hopping into your cleavage. I'm serious. Have you ever seen those camisoles that the female CSI's wear? Not to mention that they're totally inappropriate for an office setting, wouldn't you worry about stuff from the dead bodies getting in there? I know I would!
4.) If you're female, you absolutely cannot even own a hair band. Your long, perfectly coiffed hair must be totally free at all times. Even if you're an ME and it's dragging all over the body. Doesn't that contaminate the evidence? "I found a long blond hair...oh wait, this looks like Calleigh's..." I don't think H would appreciate that!!! And Calleigh particularly bugs me. Do you know what my hair would look like if I lived in Miami and didn't pull it back? I'm thinking it would resemble a large, fluffy, red traffic cone. Rather triangular. And her's is perfectly smooth at all times. Annoying...

And then once you're actually a CSI, there are even more rules. Like it's impossible to get shot or harmed in any way unless you're having problems working with David Caruso and then your gun magically misfires and you take one in the chest (i.e. Tim Speedle). Whatever. And do not screw with Horatio Caine! He can even stop a tsunami (don't worry, it aired before the real one, and they haven't repeated it. CBS has some dignity. (See, on Fox, it would have been used as a promotional tool!!!) Why all those pimps and really, really tough guys get scared and spill their entire life story after two seconds alone with a skinny little Irish dude who even uses sunglasses inside I'll never know. But it's very cool. And they have to say "TOD" instead of "time of death" even though it takes exactly the same amount of time to say!!!!!!!! Why does nobody realize this???? Grrr. Oh, and you have to restate blatently obvious things like (upon finding a body lying in a room with blood-soaked walls) "It's possible she hemorraged." No kidding. And it's always two 0'clock in the morning in New York. No matter how much time has passed, it will always be dark. However, despite the fact that they frequently stumble through dark buildings with nothing but their flashlights (even though there are light switches right there!!!) they never sully their lovely trenchcoats. So cute. Finally, all of life's issues can be summed up in an hour (with commercials!!!). It's enough to make you smile!!! :-)