Good evening, godless sodomites.

Am I the only person who thinks that sodomites is a funny word? It makes one think of bugs or something. Really? Just me? Okay, moving on...

I had planned to do a general long-winded post about a bunch of crap, but frankly, the Emmy's provided too much crap themselves for me to talk about anything else!!! Of course, things would be much, much better if there was booze involved, like there was in our living room (Arbor Mist: mmm mmm good!!!), but alas, it was not a dinner show like the Golden Globes (officially My Favorite Awards Show Ever).

Not to worry, though, because the little pre-thingys on E!, TvGuide, and NBC more than made up for it. Because we have Ryan Seacrest and his faux-butchness (please do not try to tell us you don't know who Zac Posen is. Give us a little credit), Joan Rivers and her special brand of crazy, and Billy Bush and his, well, I gues it's just stupidity AT THE SAME TIME. It's like a hug from Jesus.

And they don't disappoint! Ryan Seacrest introduces the Glam-Cam, which supposedly shows all the women in all their glory, but it really just is a regular camera, but they pan up. And spend way too much time on the feet. The Glam Cam sucks. And then Joan is getting all revved up for her 1000th interview, which I'm really excited to see, because I can totally see her handlers bodyslamming ugly, uninteresting people while waiting for someone worthy of the 100oth interview. Like "Leah Remini! NOOO!!! Can I get Keifer up here NOW!?!?!?!"

BTW, Leah Remini scored the biggest laugh of the preshow by correcting Ryan Seacrest when he referred to Suri Cruise as "it", by saying, "Um. Yeah, I actually like to refer to the baby as "her", not "it", but that's okay."

Then Joan asked Mariska Hargitay if her first or second pregnancy was harder...and Mariska informed her that she's only had one kid. Oh burn.

But the best was when some NBC loser asked Annette Benning if she wanted an Emmy to keep her Oscar company, and Annette had to remind said loser that her husband has the Oscar, and she's only been nominated.

I was laughing tears into my margarita.

So they all hustle their pretty little asses into the show, and it startes with what has got to be the. funniest. show. opening. EVER. OMG, my margarita is now half tequila and half tears.

And it was all my shows!!!! Lost ("We actually weren't invited."), The Office ("No, I did not make Conan fall through the ceiling."), and House. Oh, and 24! I loved it. When Conan did the Jack thing from the Lost pilot---I almost fell out of the chair. Loved the Music Man thing too---Gee we're screwed!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The actual awards, while being awesome because they are, in fact, awards and we all know I'll do anything for awards shows, are very disappointing because they completely disregard my wishes by passing over Sean Hayes, Debra Messing, and Steve Carrell. All of whom would have given AWESOME acceptance speeches. Unlike those loser producers who thank lists and lists of people who nobody knows. Please.

There were, however, a couple of good acceptance speeches. Like when the censors fell asleep and let Helen Mirren say "ass over tit", which makes me giggle until I remember that she went out with Liam Neeson, which is almost too much old person saggy sex to handle (GAH!!! MAKE THE RABBITS STOP CRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!), and the funny guy from My Name is Earl who listed the people he didn't want to thank. Hehe.

Presenters, also, were Quite Awesome. Grissom, House, and Spy Daddy!!! Especially House, who was freaking hilarous presenting with Helen Mirren (more crying rabbits).

The tributes were good, too, except I was convinced halfway through that Dick Clark had actually died and I just hadn't heard about it. Oh, and Aaron Spelling couldn't protect that Angels from the most dangerous foe they would ever have to face- gravity. (Thank you folks, I'll be here all week!) Farrah looked stoned.

And this TV movie that I'd never heard of with Kelly McDonald and Bill Nighy swept like everything. Which means I had to see clips of Kelly McDonald making out with Davy Jones WAY more often than I ever wanted to. Eh. She got to kiss Clive Owen in Gosford Park. She can take one for the team.

I actually think that the writing award was slightly misrespresented, because I'm fairly certain that Charles Dickens wrote Bleak House, and not some random guy nobody has ever heard of. I think Chuck should have been recongized. *sniff*

And finally, they redeemed themselves by giving the best comedy show to The Office, and they all traipsed up on stage and accepted and it was so sweet!!!!!!! GAH, LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew. I'm emotionally exhausted just thinking about it. I need to go try to get the image of Qui-Gon Jin and Elizbeth I/II making out out of my mind.

ETA: And Barry won!!! Watch as my mother goes from midwestern matron to fangirl in five seconds flat.