I don't want to be one less.

Attn: Men of the Family. The following contains a discussion of Gardasil and cervices (is that the plural?) Proceed at your own risk.

My mom was at the gynecologist for me the other day (What? I don't like hugging people. You think I'm going to get behind anything that involves stirrups and a speculum??? I think not.), and the woman practically dragged me out of the waiting room in order to get my Gardasil vaccine RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE BEING SO IRRESPONSIBLE OMG. *sigh*

For those of you who have been following butterflies in the rain forest for the past two years and have yet to see the pervasive commercials involving alarmingly young women playing jump rope and singing about cervical cancer, Gardasil is a vaccine that protects against HPV, a sexually transmitted virus that can contribute to the cause of cervical cancer.

I have a myriad of problems with Gardasil.

On both superficial and deeper levels, the advertising bugs me. I'm pretty sure that in order to get cervical cancer, you need a cervix. And I'm also pretty sure that that first person on the commercial (the one with the skateboard?) was born a man. But that's just me.

I think they're marketing it irresponsibly, as a cancer drug rather than something that prevents an STD. I know for a fact that there are some stupid women out there who think that because they had this, they're protected and can stop going to the doctor. That really bugs me.

Second, for me, it is entirely unnecessary.

Although everyone refuses to believe me, I am not having sex with anyone. My doctor practically chortles when I respond negatively to her constant "You know you should get screened, right???" before finally giving me a quick lecture about condoms as though I were not a twenty-year-old woman who has, in fact, been though health class and eats lunch next to the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Society, the group that thoughtfully provides a bowl of them.

(Yes. My doctor thinks I'm a stupid whore.)

Even my eye doctor was surprised I wasn't on the pill. (Don't be skeeved out that I was discussing birth control with my eye doctor, it was a whole long thing about some prescriptions causing eye dryness.)

Supposing there were a reason for it, because it would be naive and ridiculous to think that no one was having sex, or if I bought into the whole "better good for the community" thing (Which I don't. I'll look out for my body, you watch yours, mmkay???), this is a brand new drug. The long-term effects have not been tested or proven.

My grandmother took some drug that they all thought was safe, and my mom wasn't sure she could have children because of it. Uh-huh. I'll have enough problems with that as it is.

And the whole maybe-making-it-mandatory thing? It just makes me get all Betty-Friedan-circa-197. I want to burn my bra and scream "keep your government off my body!!!"

*ahem*

Yes, I realize this may seem slightly incongruous for a girl who has, in fact, stood on the corner with an "Abortion is murder" sign.

Hey, you don't go to a Lutheran university for a couple years and not pick something up.

So there you have it. My multi-point treatise on why I will not be paying 900 dollars for the privilege of injecting myself with untested chemicals for something I do not, and will not, have.

Also, I'm pretty sure I embarrassed my dad. Again.