Reflections on Recent Vacations (or Why I Won't Be Having Sex on My Honeymoon)

We've been home for a couple of days, and I've been sleeping alone for five blessed nights, as opposed to being shoved into a glorified twin bed with a full-grown person.

It's not even so much the other person part that bugs me I mean, it's uncomfortable, but sh's my sister, so at least I'm used to her filth. (Kidding. She bathes almost every day.)

And it's not that we don't always stay at nice places, because we really have stayed at several very nice hotels, and they all suck.

No, it's the fact that OTHER PEOPLE HAVE SLEPT AND SWEATED AND DROOLED AND DONE GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE THERE AND YOU EXPECT ME TO FALL ASLEEP!?!?!?

Mostly that.

See, I'm a total bed whore. I have a huge comfy, cushy, CLEAN bed with nice, cool, CLEAN sheets at home. I love it. More than anything or anyone else in the house, really.

(Okay, maybe not this computer. I love this computer.)

I need to snuggle to sleep. I need to have the little blanket thingy over my head and preferably mouth, something that's hard to accomplish when you're trying to avoid someone else's drool spot. And you can't snuggle when the scary Blanket of Unidentifiable Fabric is folded down by my waist, in an effort to have it not touch any part of me.

I'd sleep on top of it if I didn't keep the hotel room at a bracing 58 degrees in a passive-aggresive power play with my landlords parents who prefer to keep the house at a balmy, Miami Beach-like tempreature that starts with an 8.

Ooh, and I like to shove my toes down into the corners where the sheets are tucked under, and hang my hand over the edge of the bed. Problem #1: God knows what kind of bugs live in the sheets down there. Problem #2: There could be a body underneath the bed that I might inadvertantly touch.

So, as of last weekend, I have decided that honeymoons and all their bed-centric activities would simply not be happening if I'm worried about dead bodies, bed bugs, and what the hell kind of fiber makes this blanket???, so I'm not having sex on my honeymoon.

Just thought you'd all like to know.

My entire family is going out to dinner tonight, and even though I said I'd be okay with that I'm little bit pissed that they listened to me.

So I'm making them bring me a sandwich. Because I will be hungry and annoyed when I return at ten-thirty, and then I may be forced to be baking brownies until the wee hours of the morning.

So there.

I give you- the Funniest. Lolcat. Ever.

Hehe. It's funny 'cuz it's French.