The Jesuits can raise way more money than you, anyway.

I'm applying to a bunch of graduate schools. You know this. Or you should. If you've been paying attention. Six month ago, I really wanted to go to this one university. I'm not going to name names but let's just say it's a Catholic university in town and it' s not Marquette. They had a religious studies program, what looked like a doable curriculum, and I had several friends who went there and loved it.

(It also has the prestige of being the place where Drunkfest 2008...or, you know, the dinner dance, was held. But that's really neither here nor there.)

I've only had a few dealings with their admissions department, but I am really, really not impressed. I mean, honestly. The condescension? I don't need it. First they told me I couldn't handle two master's programs. Like, literally, the e-mail read, "I have concerns. We don't want to set you up for failure." And it isn't true. But it scared me into only applying for one because I really didn't want to be turned down for the program that I am actually a qualified applicant for. I really did not appreciate that.

Anyway, I applied a few weeks ago. I received an e-mail updating me about the status of my application, and saying that they still needed letters of recommendation and my final, degree-bearing transcript.

Lovely. The letters are in the mail. Or, at least they will be as soon as I threaten the professors that I have selected with bodily harm because NONE OF THEM ARE SENDING THE DAMN LETTERS AND DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW STRESSFUL THIS IS FOR ME PERSON WITH A DOCTORATE ALREADY??? NO. I DIDN'T THINK YOU DID.

The transcript. I don't have a final, degree-bearing transcript. I'm not going to have one until June. So I e-mailed back explaining that I was finishing my senior year of college, and the final transcript would arrive as soon as it was produced after my graduation. In the meantime, I had already sent a transcript with all grades and all in progress courses listed. You know, like every other college senior applying to graduate school.

Oh. Oh, no. This is not good enough for Unnamed Catholic University That Is Not Marquette. The same person who sent me the nasty you're-too-stupid-to-do-two-programs-at-once responded that they definitely required that final one.

That makes no sense, you're thinking. Even ignoring the fact that the transcript I did provide them pretty much showed that I could essentially not show up next semester and still graduate with honors, that pretty much precludes you going there for the fall semester. But wait. It gets better.

Not to worry, she said, the final transcript would be ready by June, most likely. There would still be plenty of time to consider my application for Fall of 2010.

Um...yeah. There's like a good six weeks in there, right? I mean, classes don't start until the end of August. What's that? You need to know what you're doing more than six weeks in advance? Like so you can find a place to live and funding and apply for loans and I don't know, KNOW WHETHER OR NOT I GOT INTO GRADUATE SCHOOL???

No. That's crazy talk.

But my favorite part was the last line. If my computer screen was capable of reaching out and patting me on the head, it would have done it, that's how consdescending it was. "You just relax and focus on getting that bachelor's degree!"

You just relax and watch me pay the Jesuits the thousands of dollars a year I was going to pay you! Mmkay, pumpkin?

(Watch. Now no one is going to accept me.)