Monday, March 16, 2009

Last of those letters he sends out.

I just got a letter from Sen. Glenn Grothman, congratulating me on my Dean's List thing again. First, why did no one congratulate me the last time I got on? My GPA was actually better then. Second, he included his office phone number (addressed to the very personal "Kathleen Mary Elizabeth *redacted*, because God knows only my closest friends use ALL FOUR of my names.), with instructions to call if he could ever be of assistance to me.

Oh, Glenn. You cannot do that and expect me to behave maturely. I picture our relationship something like this.

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
Um, hi! It's Kathleen, you know, you sent me a letter. Yeah, well, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate it, and there's not really anything you can do for me right now, but I'll certainly let you know. *beep*

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
Hey, it's Kathleen? From the Dean's List? Yeah. I have something you could help me with. I just spent a ton of money at Kohl's? And I was wondering if you could talk to Herb and see if there's anything we can do about that. Just let me know. *beep*

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
Hi, yeah, about the Kohl's purchase. Do you think my neck is too short to carry off the scarf trend? I forgot, you've never seen my neck. You know what, I'm going to take a picture and send it to you. *beep*

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
Did you get it? Do I look fat? *beep*

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
Glenn? I look fat, right? Oh, I knew it. I can never carry off trends. *beep*

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
It isn't very nice of you to not call me and tell me I look okay in the scarf. I mean, it's the civilized thing to do. You know what, Glenn? I feel like you lost something we had at the beginning. Sometimes, I really kind of hate you and what you've done to me. *beep*

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
*sniffles* I'm sorry I said I hate you, Glenn. *beep*

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
What up, homie? You know, I feel like we never talk anymore. Do you e-mail? Or Twitter? Oooh, do you have a Facebook??? I would so friend you on Facebook. Then I could poke you all the time! Oh. Except not like that. I don't want to have sex with you, Glenn. *beep*

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
Hey, it's me...say, I just got some wicked cute shoes and I want to learn ballroom dancing. Will you come with me? *beep*

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
Hey, babe. I'm at Fred Astaire. Where are you? They're going to make me dance with the creepy guy. *beep*

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
So I took some NyQuil earlier, because I felt sick, you know. But then a friend of mine came over and now I really want a glass of wine. Do you think that a glass of wine on top of NyQuil would kill me? *beep*

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
Still here! Didn't kill me. I'm kind of feeling under the weather. Could you pick up my dry-cleaning for me? That'd be awesome. *beep*

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
Glenn? Are you there? I kind of need a ride? I had a few too many glasses of wine, and I don't want to endanger thep pedestrians on the safe roads of WIsconsin that you work so hard to maintain. Glenn? Are you there? *beep*

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
I've got some DVDs due at the library and I don't want to leave. Swing by and pick them up? *beep*

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
I completely forgot! I never asked you- what are we doing for Thanksgiving? I mean, since my Grandpa died I've been kind of blue around that time of year. It's all my fault really. I wasn't very nice to him when he was alive, and I was very bitter that I thought he favored my cousin over me. I mean, he got a laptop for graduation from high school. I was working harder than him in college courses and I didn't get a laptop. I let that fester for a long time, and I just don't think...*beep*

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
Your machine cut me off. I think we should exchange cell numbers to cut down on these charges. Ooh! Maybe we could be in each other's Faves! How cool would that be? Oh, Grandpa, right. I wasn't very nice to him either, and it just weighs on me, you know? Oh well. Give me a call when you get this? *beep*

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
Do you know if you have to run water through the washing machine after using bleach? *beep*

Hello, you've reached the Madison office of Senator Grothman. Please leave a message.
Glenn, major problem. I took those dancing lessons by myself because you were so busy all the time? And I think I might be pregnant. Can you get pregnant from slow dancing? Because I need to know. Call, text, whatever. *beep*

The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected. Please hang up or dial the operator.
Glenn? *beep*

2 comments:

mickey said...

I am dying with laughter!!!!!!!!! You were nice to Papa...why would you think you weren't nice?????? He never had a clue there was a laptop issue.....the cousin doesn't have a clue either (or the laptop I might add)!!!!! You might not think you were nice, but Papa certainly thought you were!!!!! :)You should not have any quilt feelings.....

Mpeterson said...

rotf now... thank you for this.

btw, congrats on your dean's listing. :)

You are now linked to Grothman heaven.

hiho