Tanning Creams and Anna Nicole's Scary Ability to Spawn

I don't even know where to start this morning- we open with a really tawdry, non-Disney version of the The Princess Diaries , Batwoman's a lez, and how the hell did they get these two mixed up??? I'm dizzy. It's too early for all this!!!! Oh, and God has deemed to let Anna Nicole Smith reproduce again. He works in mysterious and sometimes frightening ways.

I'm sure y'all noticed that I changed my profile picture. Because I know you're all obsessed with me and everything that comes out of my mouth. Or hands, as the case may be. It was Johnny for about a month and a half, which was just hunky dory but I got buggy after awhile. Don't worry, he'll be back before POTC 2 comes out, or whenever I actually get the elusive ticket to Turkey. (According to Orbitz.com, I can get there for only $1, 324 plus taxes. With only one layover in London, mind you. I think an twelve hour flight in economy is a small price to pay for Johnny. Now I just need to get a passport and a way to Chicago.)

Then it was a book for twelve hours last night because I couldn't think of anything better, and I'm ready to kill somebody for something good to read. Now it's Jean Honore Fragonard's Young Girl Reading, which has been my favorite painting since I was a very little girl. An artist friend of my mom's gave me a copy that hung in my room when I was younger, and I still have a print up on my bulletin board. I've seen the real one in D.C. many times- I think I was six the first time, and we have a picture of me in front of it, barely coming up to the bottom of the frame. I almost flipped out when we did his work in art history this year.

It came down to that and my other favorite painting, the Execution of Lady Jane Grey, by Delaroche, which I have an inexplicable attraction to. I think it's the colors and the subject matter.

I always kind of felt sorry for Lady Jane, because it wasn't her fault that her cousin was a crazy little boy who should never have ascended the damn throne anyway not so good at thinking things through. She would have gone on to live a perfectly happy, less notable life if he hadn't named her his successor. (BTW, while I have an undying devotion to this painting, it is completely historically inaccurate. She was executed outside, wearing probably a simply cotton shift and most definately not a white satin dress, her hair would have been cut off or pulled up, there were women around her, but probably not languishing in the corner, and the block is too small. Still love it though.)

Despite how I feel about beauty magazines, I do listen to them and I do think that I need a tan. Which poses a number of problems.

1.) I'm so white you could bleach me and not notice a difference.

2.) Carcinogens seem to like our family.

3.) I told you, I'm freakin' white!!!!

4.) My skin doesn't tan, it just turns bright red.

So we are forced to use the safer, healthier, yet infinately mour difficult/troubling sunless tanning creams flooding the market. Which are also freakin' expensive. But I digress. Last year we did Neutrogena's gradual system, which worked okay but kind of was hard to get all over. And it was impossible to have it even because it was a lotion that didn't show up for hours. So you'd wake up the next morning and find this one really dark brown patch on your knee that didn't match anything.

So this year we are using Jergen's Natural Glow, a moisturizer that supposedly darkens your skin after a couple days. So far so good. Not causing any major allergic reactions, which is also a problem when you have unbelievably irritable skin (Nair? No good. My legs literally swelled up. I know you all really needed to know that.) Except it smells like really pungent cucumbers. Not pretty.

Good CSI:NY last night. I wrote about it when it was one a couple months ago. I still think Lindsay was flirting with Mac. And I'm still opposed to it. And I still think Flack deserved a revelation.

Final words (and link) today---WTF???