An Open Letter to the Ladies of The View.

Ladies, I love you. Watch all the time. You have my undying devotion. I tape you. I'm thinking of being you for Halloween. *smooches*

But you and your completely untenable arguments concerning gay marriage and the Clinton impeachment are really, really, really starting to bug me.

First, the Clinton impeachment. Now, I realize that 1998 was, like, nine whole years ago, but if I can remember it (I was ten), I think you probably can. In fact, Barbara, I'm pretty sure that you covered it for ABC. Anyway, not the issue.

The issue arose this morning when Rosie called for the impeachment of President Bush (I'm not entirely sure why), and when Elisabeth said that it was perhaps dangerous to start impeaching the President in the middle of a war, Rosie shot back that it was okay to impeach a President for having sex (?)

Rosie's obviously faulty logic aside (what? How did we get on Clinton? *snickers* No pun intended.), you then proceded to have a screaming match about it.

No. No. You have to know that Clinton was not impeached because of some lofty right-wing conspiracy to crack down on extra-marital sex, or because he "lied to the American people" or something stupid like that (do we really care? Honestly?), but rather because he freakin' COMMITTED PERJURY. (Perhaps you've heard of it. One of the biggies. Federal law.) The fact that he perjured himself by saying "No, she wasn't under there. Why? What have you heard?" has absolutely nothing to do with it. Gah.

So, in conclusion, perjury=bad; sex with Clinton=just icky, not illegal.

Second issue: please please please stop whining about how homosexual couples are being denied their Constitutional rights.

Also, completely false. Now, I'm assuming they're referring to marriage or civil unions, as you can sleep with whomever you want however you want, and you will not be denied due process. Or the right to a speedy trial. Or the right to form a militia. Or the right to refuse to quarter soldiers in your house during wartime. All those, along with the rest of them enumerated in THE CONSTITUTION- hence the term "Constitutional rights", are still available for all citizens of the United States regardless of creed, color, or Gucci shoes.

And this really bugs me, because NO ONE has a Constitutional right to be married---to ANYONE. I'm a woman, and I like men. I don't have the Constitutional right to get married to one. A friend of mine's brother is obviously a man and likes other men. He doesn't have the Constitutional right to get married to one. I'm sure Rosie and Kelly are deleriously happy, but they do not have the Constitutional right to marry each other.

Because it just doesn't exist.

You may be pissed that you don't have the same legal rights, or even the same social ones, but I hereby forbid ANYONE from EVER saying that they have a CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT to be married EVER AGAIN.

Thank you, and good evening.